应对防御之心 | Dealing With Defensiveness

防御可以采取多种形式，这些在心理学中通常被称为防御机制。每个人都有防御机制，它们是社交发展中普遍而原始的一部分。防御机制在儿童身上最明显。如果一个蹒跚学步的孩子想要避开洗澡时间，他们就会跑走。这并不意味着他们能成功避开洗澡，但他们避免了矛盾或感知到的“威胁”。没错，“洗澡时间”是一种感知到的威胁，尽管它在逻辑上并不是，但两岁的孩子认为这是他们不想做的事情。明白这一点很重要，因为有时人们很难理解什么是“感知到的威胁”，或是注意到防御机制的发生。

随着年龄的增长，我们的防御机制也越来越好。在令人压抑的会议中，我们会选择闭嘴，不提出任何观点，而不是冲出会议室。如果有人以某种形式推卸责任或是扮演受害者的角色，那就是自我防御的迹象。常见的防御机制包括否认、回避、宣泄、划分、甚至是逆化。

Defensiveness can take on many forms. These are often called defense mechanisms in the psychology world. It is important to remember that everyone has defense mechanisms and that they are a normal and primitive part of social development. They are most obviously seen in small children. If a toddler wants to avoid bath time, they run away. This doesn’t mean they will successfully avoid bath time but they are avoiding the conflict or perceived “threat”. Yes, bath time is the perceived threat, even though it logically is not a threat, the mind of a 2-year-old views it as something they don’t want to do. This is an important point because it can be difficult to understand sometimes what the “perceived threat” is and sometimes can be hard to pick up on the defense mechanism.

As we get older, we get better at defense mechanisms. Instead of running out of a stressful meeting, perhaps we simply shut down and don’t contribute. A good sign of someone feeling defensive is if there is some form of passing blame and/or taking a victim role. Common defensive mechanisms are denial, avoidance, acting out, compartmentalization, and even regression.

这是对有防御心的人的常见回应，或许你也曾用过。可以肯定地说，它对局势没有任何帮助。防御的定义是在面对感知到的攻击时形成一种自我保护的意识。如果你在一场战争中，仅仅因为敌军跟你说“停”你就会取消进攻吗？当然不。我们需要采取一些消除威胁的行动。

This is a common response to a defensive person, and perhaps a response you have even used. It is safe to say that it most likely did not help the situation. The definition of defensiveness is to form a sense of self-protection in the face of a perceived attack. If you were in a war, would you call off the army simply because your enemy told you to “stop”? Of course not. We need to take actions that can neutralize the threat.

1

避免使用“责备性”语言

Avoid using “blame” language

别用“你”来开头，比如“你又做错了！”或者“你根本不在乎我的感受！”此外，避免使用“总是”和“从不”。

Don’t start a sentence with “you,” as in “You got it wrong again!” or “You just don’t care about how I feel!” Also, avoid using “always” and “never.”

2

以积极的语调开始

Start with a positive note

在提出批评之前，先要感激并认可对方所做的事情。例如，“我很感激你在这个项目上付出的努力，但让我们重新整合一下，看看我们如何才能走往成功之路……”

Before pointing out a critique, be appreciative and acknowledge what the other person has done. For example, “I appreciate how much effort you had put in this project, but let’s regroup and see how we can steer towards the success path...”

3

别发脾气

Don’t lose your temper

失去冷静只会火上浇油。放下心中的怒意，专注于防御行为背后的受伤情绪。放慢脚步，做几次深呼吸。

Losing your cool just adds fuel to the fire. Put down that pitchfork and stay focused on the feelings of hurt behind the defensive behavior. Slow down, and take several deep breaths.

4

寻找原因

Find the reason

防御的原因有很多，弄明白很重要，也许那些批评在很大程度上反映了他们的不自信。对于你所爱的人，你可以帮助他们学会如何重新调整自己，以摆脱瞬间自我保护的冲动，或者鼓励他们寻求专家的帮助来解决更深层次的问题。

The reasons for defensiveness are myriad and important to understand, perhaps the criticism plays into a bigger part of their insecurities. For your beloved ones, you may help them learn how to rewire themselves away from the impulse to instant self-protect or encourage them to seek professional help to resolve deeper issues.

我该如何应对自己的防御机制？

How should I cope with my own defensiveness?

1

三思而后行

Think before you respond

下次有人冒犯你的时候，或者你认为他们说了一些十分荒谬的事情，不要迅速反驳。相反，你应该花几分钟冷静下来，然后以更清醒的头脑作出回答。

The next time someone rubs you the wrong way, or you think they’ve said something that’s absolutely ridiculous, do not respond with a snappy comeback. Instead, take a few minutes to cool off and respond later with a clearer head.

2

掌控压力

Manage your stress

在压力大的日子里，防御性会变得失控。在这种时候，你需要做一些深呼吸来掌控压力。安排瑜伽、冥想或其他减压活动作为你每周例行活动的一部分。

Defensiveness can be out of control on stressful days. Take some deep breaths to keep stress levels in check. Arrange yoga, meditation or other stress management activities part of your weekly routine.

3

寻找共同点

Look for some common ground

如果你发现自己和某人 - 可能是你的朋友或另一半 - 总是处于一种防御模式，你应该停下来寻找一些共同点。双方都同意的是什么？将你们之间的交流模式从对抗转换为协同。

If you found yourself in a defensive mode back and forth with someone – maybe your friend or spouse – stop and look for some common ground. What do you both agree on? Shift the exchange out of combat into collaboration.

4

了解自己多一点

Get To Know Yourself Better

感觉一切都让你恼火吗？如果是这样的话，可能是时候反思一下了。如果我们有很强的自我意识，并且已经解决了自身问题，别人就不会那么容易惹急你，令你启动防御机制。是的，这需要下很大功夫，还可能需要你的家人甚至专家的支持，但结果将是一个新的、进步（和平静）的你。

Does it feel like everything pisses you off? If so, it could be time for some inner reflection. If we have a strong sense of self, and have worked through our issues, people are not able to push our buttons and make us defensive. Yes, it will take a lot of work, and may need supports from your family or even experts, but the result will be a new and improved (and calmer) you.

Defensiveness is a powerful clue to our areas of needed growth.

防御性是一个强大的线索，告诉我们需要成长的领域。

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