你想要解决所有的冲突而不争吵吗？不再“按我的方式”，“不！按我的方式”这样争论？一起来学学苏珊·海特勒博士提出的双赢华尔兹吧。苏珊博士毕业于哈佛大学和纽约大学，是美国十大婚姻治疗师之一，著有《化解冲突》一书。
人与人之间经常发生冲突，无论在家里还是在工作中。一个想左转，另一个想右转。幸运的是，差异并不需要导致你们为了输赢而斗争，也不需要放弃想要的东西。没有必要妥协，也没有必要生气。
同样的方法不仅适用于二人组，也适用于任何规模的群体，甚至是你两个部分之间的内心对话。你可能想吃一块巧克力曲奇饼，同时又想减肥。
华尔兹有三步曲。下面为大家介绍“双赢华尔兹”的三个步骤。
Would you like to resolve all your conflicts without arguing? No more "My way!", "No my way!" fights? Learn instead the win-win waltz suggested by Susan Heitler, PhD. Graduated from Harvard and NYU, she is one of the top 10 marriage therapists in America and the author of From Conflict to Resolution.
Conflicts occur often between folks, at home, and work. One wants to turn left and the other to turn right. Fortunately, differences needn't lead either to fighting to establish who wins and lose or giving up on what you want. There's no need to compromise or to get mad.
The same strategy not only works for duos, but also within groups of any size, and even the inner dialogue between two parts of yourself. You might want to eat a chocolate cookie, and at the same time want to lose weight.
A waltz has three steps. Here are the three steps of the win-win waltz.
一个快速解决问题的双赢例子
A quick win-win problem-solving example
第一步：察觉冲突的发生
Step #1: Note when there's a conflict
珍妮下班前打电话给比尔说她想出去吃晚饭，但是比尔想呆在家里。糟糕，他们面临着一场冲突。一个他们似乎想要相反方案的情况。因此需要共同做出一个决定。
双赢华尔兹的第一步，也是最困难的一步，是意识到：啊！我们出现了冲突，华尔兹的时间到了！
Janie phones Bill just before leaving work to say that she wants to go out for supper. Bill wants to stay home. Oops. They are facing conflict. A situation in which they seem to want opposite solutions. A decision that needs to be made jointly.
The first step, and often the hardest, of the win-win waltz, is to recognize that, Ah! We have a conflict here. It's a waltz-time!
第二步：从坚持你倾向的行动计划转向探讨你们内心的担忧
Step #2: Switch from insisting on your preferred plan of action to exploring both of your underlying concerns
珍妮和比尔并没有展开拉锯战，也没有向另一方妥协，而是将各自内心的担忧说了出来。珍妮说她连续工作很长时间，感觉太累了，不想做饭，而且她还想吃有很多配料的蔬菜沙拉，可他们的冰箱是空的。比尔想在电视上看他最喜欢的球队，而他们喜欢的餐馆都没有电视。此外，吃沙拉让他觉得吃不饱。
Instead of engaging or a tug of war or either of side caving into the other, Janie and Bill each put their underlying concerns on the table. Janie says that she has been working long hours and feels too exhausted to cook. She also has a yen for a lush green salad with lots of fixings, and their refrigerator is empty. Bill wants to watch his favorite team on TV and none of the restaurants they like has a TV screen. Besides, salads leave him hungry.
第三步：找到一个能顾及全部顾虑的方案
Step #3: Find a solution responsive to all the concerns
然后，比尔提出了一个双赢的解决方案，他希望这个行动计划对双方都可行。“如果我在回家的路上去一个有超大色拉吧的超市，买一大份沙拉回家一起吃，怎么样？我给自己加一份丰盛的浓汤，再买一些面包和炸鸡腿。我也愿意在晚饭后清理厨房，我可以在刷碗时看电视。”
Bill then proposes a win-win solution idea, a plan of action that he hopes works for both of them. "How about if I stop at the grocery store on the way home, the one with a big salad bar, and pick up big salads for us to eat together at home? I'll add a hearty soup for myself, also get some bread and fried chicken legs. I'm glad to clean up the kitchen after supper too; I can watch the TV from the sink."
比尔的计划不仅解决了他心中的顾虑，也考虑了妻子的感受。
Bill's plan was responsive to all his concerns, and to all the concerns of his wife as well.
找到双赢解决方案的秘诀是什么呢?
What are the secrets to finding win-win solutions?
与其从一开始就坚持自己的方式，不如把它作为一个切入点，深入了解你的伴侣和你潜在的顾虑。
最困难的通常是第一步：知道什么时候该使用双赢的解决方案构建。你需要练习观察矛盾的发生，也就是你们每个人都在争取各自不同的行动计划之时。
秘诀是立刻从赞成或反对特定的行动计划转变为合作地表达你们的每一个潜在顾虑。不再劝说，只是相互探讨和倾听。
一旦你们两个人成功地列出了所有的潜在顾虑，想出双赢解决方案可以是有趣而有创新性的。
Rather than insisting from the outset on your way, use it as a jumping-off point for diving down to clarify your partner's and your underlying concerns.
The hardest part often is step one: noticing when to use win-win solution-building. You'll need to practice noting any time you feel a tug of war emerging, that is, any time that each of you is pulling for a different plan of action.
The secret then is to flip immediately from arguing in favor of or against particular action plans to collaboratively verbalizing each of your underlying concerns. No more persuading; just mutual exploring and listening.
Once the two of you have succeeded in generating a full list of underlying concerns, generating win-win solutions can be creative and fun.
使用下面的工作表，引导你们通过双赢华尔兹找到令双方都满意的解决方案。
Use the worksheet below to guide you through the win-win waltz to solutions that please you both.
保存双赢华尔兹练习表
Save The Win-Win Waltz Worksheet
双赢华尔兹三步曲有助于你了解对方的关切，而不是陷入敌对的立场。你对自己和他人内心深处的顾虑了解得越多，你就越自然而然地对自己和他人都更加友好。
The three steps of win-win waltzing help you to understand each other's concerns instead of locking into adversarial positions. The more understanding you gain about both your and others' deeply felt concerns, the more likely it becomes that you will be able to be nice to yourself and simultaneously nice also to others.
七夕情人节快乐
Happy Chinese Valentine's Day